No. I am not going Turbo on you.
This is fast becoming the most updated, amended and added to blog post on the site! If you love a good ramble with a hint of rant then read on!
You all know how much I like a 40 day mantra practice. It is not unusual for them to turn into 60, 80, or 100 day practices. I love what they throw up. What fresh understanding and insight there is to be found in the little corners of my consciousness.
They also become sort of strangle life companions. When I feel scarcity creeping in I know I can practice Har. If I need some reassurance its Ong So Hang. I can revisit mantras to top up on their positive benefits. To indulge in the reasurance of their sound vibrations.
Whilst I was doing some research for something, just after I wrote my "I Am What I Am" blog post I came across "I Am I Am" mantra.
Don't you just love the synchronicity of life?
All mantras are said to connect our finate and infinite selves, giving us a stronger understanding of our true selves and our reality. When we repeat "I Am I Am" in rotation it naturally becomes "I am what I am". A simple and genuine acceptance of our truth, our essence.
One of the things I love about this mantra is how it ties in with our understanding of subtle auto suggestion. We know that when we make a statement, or ask a question, our subconscious will automatically answer it. So when we say "I am" our brain will say "too fat, undervalued, exhausted, unhappy, perfect, loved, supported" or whatever else we are feeding ourselves. If we say "I am I am", it is perfectly simple. I am I. I am what I am. However you want to say it, I am ME. No ego, no bullsh**, no room for doubt. No room for outside influences. My core being. Me me me.
Anyway. There I was rotating away every night before bed. Every time I do these extended mantra practices I have some sort of breakthrough. Some sort of lesson or message presents itself. And on day 40, there is was.
It popped into my head, again and again and again, "There is No Team in I". And kept going on and on for the next few days, like a broken record in my brain.
As a big giver even the idea of this statement made me uncomfortable. The irony. If I am practicing "I Am I Am", why should it be such a surprise that it would come back to me focusing on the ME in my life, rather than others?!
There Is No Team In I. It just sounds so negative. So uncaring. So lonely. But, putting others first is also negative, uncaring, and can be very lonely, if they are not giving back. There is being a good friend, collegue, sister, etc etc, and then there is being the one who put outs energy for others when it may not be a positive or equal exchange. Times when our energy is depleted, our circumstances are in transition, when we simply need to serve ourselves better first. Perhaps sometimes I give to the team as a way to avoid sorting out tough stuff in my own life?
By pure co-incidence this happened in the few days before we were taking Henry to Birmingham Childrens Hospital to see a specialist about some Amniotic Bands he has. It was surprising to see who remembered this was happening. Who got in touch to say they were thinking about us, to ask how it went.
Even now a week later. To show we care about those who care about us (if we do that is!?!) is important. Maintaining positive relationships is important. Which also made me think - who I needed to check in with? Who I care about and is going through a rough time. Who I want to be a better friend to and why.
Don't you just love the synchronicity of life?
Yes, I know that I am not the centre of everyones universe. Yes, I recognise people have their own problems and constraints at the moment. This was a big deal for us. Thankfully the outcome was positive.
I Am What I Am. I am fiercely loyal. I am strong. I am worthy of love and respect. My time is sacred. My energy is sacred. I am in a position to choose what I do and why I do it. I am made of divine energy, as is my son, as are you. If you don’t want to treat us as equals than please, with respect, naff off. I will always treat you as my equal friend or not. That does not make me a door mat though. I am proud to be 'a giver', an 'empath'. It is a huge part of who I am and what I do. It is a huge part of THH.
I have some awesome family, and friends, clients, cyber friends. I simply need to work out where the balance lies with those who I am not sure would move mountains for me. Or send a text message. Do I need to reorganise those teams? How I work within those circles, those teams. Have I become lost in those teams? How can I serve certain teams with greater respect to my own needs and abilities.
Am I chasing some relationships when I could be building new ones here in our new home? Do I simply need to let some things go?
Perhaps, then, this comes down to a simple case of value allignment? Or perhaps it is just coming more to light now because as a mother of a small baby, who has moved to a rural community far from her previous life there is much more in transition than I had realised. A new phase is surfacing now the dust is settling. Perhaps this is a good time to assess what no longer serves us on a wider scale. What is worth investing my energy in. What is genuine. And what might be a one way street. A bit like spring cleaning my phone contacts. What good timing.
So now I am asking myself...
Who is my team? Why are they my team? Are they reliable? Do they give as well as take? Are they coming into the next phase with me?
Oooph. What a can of worms.
So many questions. A lot to contemplate and explore. I am not sure I fully understand the insight yet. There is no team is I. Some serious meditation is called for! Where is that journal...
Since writing this post a few things came to light. A couple of insights and lessons.
One, that I have some amazing friends who I now feel awful thought this may have been about them! So, now I know that I need to try and write my blogs a little earlier before posting. I think I could do with "sitting" on things a little, reflecting, and could edit a little better.
Two, sat in the bath just now I had a bit of an epiphany. I think this is all actually about the business, more so than aaaalllll of the above?! (But thanks for reading!!) I have been searching, asking, journaling, meditating, talking, and some, about how I can mould the business to grow with the changes in my life over the last year.
I clearly cannot teach and coach like I used too. I have been looking at other peoples businesses and at times it can be tough not to compare, wonder how they do it, look for answers where there aren't any. I think this maybe a timely reminder that The Happy Hunt will find its own way. It is my baby, I got it this far, and I will continue to nurture it in its natural new direction. I love everything that this website stands for, and it is up to me to get behind the wheel and drive it forward. No one else can do that. They can want it for me, support me to do it, but they can't do it for me.
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