I have not had the floaty pregnancy, full of energy and "blooming" like many women are blessed with. I have not had a terrible pregnancy either, don't get me wrong, I have been luckier than many other women too. The simple truth is 6 1/2 months in I am still struggling with a body and life now totally out of my control.
Most people go through something like this at some time, pregnant or not. A time where something so big is happening to us, or someone very close, absorbing us to such a degree we must find new ways to adapt and function and live. We must move on from life as we knew it.
I want to work, to function, like I used to. Keep going, keep pushing, keep expecting to be able to do everything my way.
My electronics won't let me keep going, pushing and functioning though. Like an old lap top, sometimes I have to shut down and then re-boot, having lost any work not saved. Or rather, not being able to produce work at the same pace. How frustrating.
Whilst excited to become a mother, some days feel like I am grieving for the life I used to have. One where my body worked, my brain functioned, I had so many choices and freedom. I would change nothing though. I just have to get used to a new way of living. One where someone else truly comes first. One where my social media is not considered a priority. One where patience and zen like acceptance will be more useful to us than getting more stuff done quicker.
In many ways a pregnancy of fatigue, migraines, nausea and back/shoulder/knee/ankle/hand/foot/hip problems will have been a good preparation for what is to come. They have made me slow down, made me prioritise things and get over myself. Sometimes we simply have to get over ourselves and put a loved one, or change in health first. Allow a re-birth of ourselves to take place.
From disaster, death, depression, and significant transitions in life, we are re-born. Newer, stronger, more compassionate. If we allow them to, challenging times can bring huge relief and positive change. If we fight it we face more confusion, frustration, upset, imbalance. We are not in control. We don't know best.
I went for lunch with a friend last week who reminded me of something I said last year. A timely reminder if ever there was one!
"The whole universe has come together to make everything as it is. If you are fighting what is happening in your life you are fighting the whole universe. And you cannot win in a fight against the universe."
In what way/ways might you be fighting the universe right now?
What can you do, or let go of, to make things easier for yourself?
How will you do that?
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